Let's Play: Millionaire Secret Base

At time of writing, I’m not a millionaire. Probably because my agent negotiated a deal where I only get paid for writing for this website in cobblestone blocks. But just think what I could do if I was a millionaire! I could buy more cobblestone blocks! 

Now there’s a way for me to live out my wild millionaire fantasies without breaking the bank. I can play in Millionaire Secret Base by Foxel Games on the Minecraft Marketplace.

And like all great life experiences, it begins with me being greeted by a snooty British Butler:

Just look at that magnificently raised eyebrow! They teach us how to do that in British schools, y’know. Instead of how to feel compassion.

Albert urges me towards a shed containing a lift that will lower me into the base. I’m not sure what to expect, given everything I ‘know’ about rich people, I learned from television. Will there be a massive pile of coins for me to swim around in? Hope not, because I left my swimsuit at home. And my swimming instructor only covered how to swim in water, not coins. What a dope.

To my relief, I don’t enter the base to find Albert yelling at me to put my trunks on. I find something far better. A jetpack!

Jetpack

I strap it on immediately and start soaring around the base, as elegant as a bird! Specifically, a headless chicken. Finally, for the sake of my last few unbroken bones, I begrudgingly take the jetpack off.

No matter! For it turns out this base is full of plenty more toys for me to try…

Grappling Hook

Would you think I’m weird if I told you I was in love with this grappling hook? That I’ve picked out a ring and everything? Well, it doesn’t matter if you do. Because I can simply point and shoot my grappling hook and soar away from our awkward conversation about the ethics of proposing to inanimate objects. Wheeeee! Bye.

Fire your hook from right across the base and it’ll send you screaming through it at breakneck pace. Speaking of which, this is how I learnt that being a millionaire doesn’t protect you from fall damage. Guess millionaire’s think sewing a parachute out of banknotes is a stupid idea, even though I, a genius, think it’s a perfect idea. My grappling hook better agree with me on this or we’re through.

Teleportation

If you were hoping to find a way to teleport in this map then I’m afraid you’re out of luck. Because there’s actually TWO ways! Yes, in a huge win for laziness, this base contains both a pair of teleport gates and an Ender Pearl gun that you can use to point, shoot, and teleport yourself across the base.

Top tip: don’t try this out straight after a big lunch like I did. Trust me.

You can pick up and place the teleport gates wherever you like, which is super handy for visiting different parts of the base without constantly jetpacking yourself into the walls (hypothetical example). I placed one in a room containing my two new robot pets…

Robodog and Cyberkitty

Wouldn’t it be lovely if, instead of being covered in soft, strokable fur, cats and dogs were made of cold hard metal instead? Er, no. Of course not. Nonetheless, meet robodog! And meet cyberkitty! Oh. Wait. I forgot to take a screenshot of the cat. OK, don’t meet cyberkitty.

For some reason these cute little ‘bots are sealed away in glass tanks. Instead of wasting my time checking if there’s a good reason why they’re sealed away, I smashed the tanks and released them into the base. Enjoy freedom, robodog! Please don’t destroy the human race please please please that’s a good boy :)

The rebreather lets you explore the waters of Minecraft without having to worry about running out of air! This one didn’t seem to work for me, but it turns out that was just because I was playing Minecraft while holding my breath IRL again.

I also found a chest full of gold hidden underwater. So that’s where the rich hide their money! BRB, flushing my wallet down the toilet immediately.

Invisibility Watch

With one tap of this ultimate smartwatch, you turn temporarily invisible. Finally, a rock solid excuse for why people never talk to me at parties. I must have just left my invisibility effect on. Yes. That must be it. Yes.

…Yes.

Super boots

I was having too much fun playing around with the base’s toys, and so forgot to get a screenshot of the boots. So I just drew my own screenshot! Look closely and you can see that this isn’t actually Minecraft.

Boots that give me the power to run faster and jump higher are somewhat risky, given how the jetpack had me repainting the ceiling with my face. Nonetheless, I couldn’t resist strapping on these boots and sprinting around the base. But do the rich really walk? I always assumed rich people’s legs were full of thousands of tiny poor people who did all their walking for them.

Surely there’s a more opulent way for a millionaire to travel?

Vehicles

Aha! Now this is more like it. You’ve got two rideable drillers that make mining a breeze. A selection of fancy cars that change colour when you punch them (hey, I do that too!). Best of all, I have a massive stompy mech.

I soon learned that it can fire TNT. I also learned that millionaire’s aren’t TNT-proof. And now you know that too! 

This doesn’t even cover everything you’ll find in Millionaire Secret Base, which has made a total convert out of me. I used to think I loved being poor, but I’ve changed my mind and decided to become a millionaire immediately.

Find Millionaire Secret Base in the Minecraft Marketplace. See you next month after I’ve inevitably blown my fortune and come crawling back for more cobblestone money!