The carriage ride was long and tiring, but you've arrived at last at the gates of the castle. The locals told you not to come - they practically begged you to stay away - but you knew better than to take their superstitious warnings at face value.
And then you see me, the infamous Count James-ula. The legends say that the count can transform into a bat, that he can dunk a basketball without a stepladder, and that he can tell you about some of the spookiest wares available on Minecraft Marketplace.
What's that? You want to see me dunk a basketball right now on the hoop that's attached to the front of the castle? No. I'm too tired. I didn't sleep well, okay? I'm sick and it's made me sluggish. Stop asking.
Besides, it's time for you to discover all the spine-tingling terrors that Marketplace has in store. So step inside my humble abode, pull up a seat by the fireplace, and let me show you what true fear looks like. Just don't track mud all over the carpets, okay?
Parasite Outbreak
It's always sad when you fall out with your very best friend in the whole wide world. In this particular instance, the friend is a horse named Mister Chestnut and the issue driving us apart is that Mister Chestnut wants to kill me.
Personally, I blame Parasite Outbreak by Mythicus, which adds a menacing infection to your Minecraft worlds. Your first few days might seem perfectly ordinary, until you spot a mob on the horizon that doesn't look quite right. Something in their gait, their outline, their ravenous eyes, is all wrong.
From these first isolated cases, the contagion soon spreads as parasites attack and thereby infect every mob they encounter - even sweet, innocent horses that only ever wanted shiny red apples. As if all that wasn't horrifying enough, there's outbreaks to contend with, too, moments when the scattered clusters of parasites come together en masse to swarm your position. The only way to stop them is to wipe out the horde completely or to simply run and run and run.
The barbed wire may not be chic, but it is effective.
Your best hope against the ever-expanding outbreak is to make use of the add-on's custom arsenal of defensive blocks, craft powerful armor sets and weapons, and maybe to search for some clue as to the infection's origins in dangerous underground laboratories. You go do all that. I'll just… rest here for a moment. In this bunker I made.
Rating: One parasite. No, two. Now there's six of them. Wait, I count 15. Nooooooo!
The Bloop
When I first fired up The Bloop by Mythicus, I was lulled into a false sense of security. After all, everything seemed so normal. I punched some trees, built a shelter, and - for no particular reason - counted my lucky stars that nothing gargantuan had ever swallowed me whole.
And then I discovered an ocean village. These floating settlements are home to an enigmatic population of villagers perched above an entirely new biome: the deep ocean trench. What a charming little neighbourhood, I thought to myself. Sure, there are lots of suspiciously large crossbows mounted at strategic locations throughout the village, but I assumed these were just debonair decorative pieces.
And then I finally dived into that fathomless, dark water and my composure started to melt away. The deep ocean is home to frightening new forms of marine life, and it's easy to become disoriented in the dark. And then there's the music. The haunting, pulsing music that gives you the sense - the very strong sense - that you're being hunted.
Panicking, I made a dash for the surface, but it was too late. The Bloop was already surging towards me, swallowing boardwalks and buildings and villagers like so much plankton. Darkness enveloped me, and when I came to my senses again, I was somewhere new. Somewhere dark and fleshy and profoundly stinky.
It was around this time I realised I was in a spot of bother.
I was inside the Bloop's belly. That's an upsetting development, I thought, but at least nothing can hurt me now that I've taken up residence inside a colossal fish. And then I stumbled into a boss room and was pulverised by a manifestation of the Bloop's very soul. Fantastic.
Mercifully, I respawned above sea level, but I know that the Bloop is still out there. And that it's still hunting the human-sized snack that got away…
Rating: 5 peaceful oceanside homes, all devoured by one gigantic piscine bully.
Cave Dweller
Have you ever had the feeling that you're being watched? Have you ever felt the hair on the back of your neck stand on end? Have you ever been unable to shake the sensation that somewhere, just beyond your field of vision, a set of eyes is fixed on you, following you, stalking you?
Well, I hate to tell you this, but you were probably right and it was probably the Cave Dweller.
This is terrible news, because the Cave Dweller by XP Games (in collaboration with Gargin) isn't just some run-of-the-mill mob like a chump zombie or dunderheaded skeleton. No, this deeply creepy creature will first watch you from a distance, like a hunter tracking its prey. You'll be going about your business - mining, crafting, crying at thunderstorms - when you'll hear a sound and realise that you're not alone. You're being watched.
As time goes by, and the Cave Dweller comes to more clearly understand your habits, it becomes bolder. I started hearing movements - worryingly nearby movements - as I swung my pickaxe into stone. I stopped and listened, and the sounds ceased just long enough for me to convince myself I'd imagined it. Barely a minute later, I saw the Cave Dweller standing in plain sight, watching me in much the same way that a dog watches a juicy ribeye.
It might be friendly, I thought, lying to myself out of sheer terror.
And then the chase began. The beast is frighteningly fast across open ground, so I darted into a tight tunnel in the hope that its bulk might slow it down. I might as well have run directly onto a dinner plate and garnished myself with a sprig of fresh basil for all the good this did me.
Rating: Two gleaming rows of teeth that actually look pretty well cared for, all things considered.
Ultimate Pale Garden
Ah, a walk in the woods. There's the pleasing crispy-crunch of leaf litter underfoot. The handsome, moss-coated bark of the trees. And there's the sensation of being surrounded - utterly surrounded - by so many creakings that you can't possibly swivel your head fast enough. Oh no.
All this and a whole lot more is on display in Ultimate Pale Garden by TrixyBlox, which takes a biome you know and love fear, and turns the dials that read 'bigness', spookiness', and 'new stuff' all the way to the max. That is how game development works, right?
A handy and handsome quest log guides you through the experience, sending you off to complete challenging, multi-part missions to assist the beleaguered residents of this sprawling pale conurbation. Along the way you'll craft new gear, go toe-to-toe with beastly new mobs and bosses, and explore the twisting corridors of the seriously imposing pale mansion.
At the heart of the Ultimate Pale Garden are detailed bespoke locations to explore.
But if you're feeling brave, you're also free to step off the beaten track and explore. The Ultimate Pale Garden is densely packed with mysteries to uncover, lore to unearth, and - most importantly of all - useful stuff to steal from the credulous locals.
Rating: 10 creaking hearts, all beating unnaturally loud.
Can You Survive?
Why is it that it's always the sinister organisations that have major security incidents? You don't hear about containment breaches at the Ice Cream Sundae Institute, the Buttery Croissant Research Division, or the secretive laboratory that's breeding unusually happy and adorable puppies.
No, it's always eerie groups like the SCP Foundation, which have gone and carelessly released 10 horrifying creatures into my Minecraft world, in Can You Survive? by Starfish Studios. Each creature is hunting me in its distinctive way. I suppose it's nice to feel popular, at least.
My first encounter with one of these anomalous entities was as memorable as it was nightmare-inducing. I'd discovered a rich seam of coal near my spawn, and was hacking my way through cobblestone to create a neat and tidy little mineshaft. I realised that it was probably night, and thought perhaps I'd earned a little snooze. Just as I was placing my bed, I noticed something peculiar: a giant, blood-red eye suspended in the air.
To be fair, I look a lot like this most mornings.
I swung my sword, but my vision started to swim and wobble, so I did what I do best: ran wailing into the hills.
I thought I'd found a sanctuary when I stumbled into a nearby village, but I soon noticed that many of the locals were faceless blanks. As I backed away, there was a puff of smoke or mist or something, and what stepped out was even more freakish and upsetting to me than a regular villager.
Yes, even worse than a leatherworker. Shudder.
Rating: One disembodied eyeball, glaring at me in the dark while I try to sleep.
Friend EXE
A best friend in a box. That's the promise of Friend EXE by BLOCKLAB Studios, and I'll admit that I was intrigued. Okay, I was slightly concerned to learn that my robo-pal would be periodically setting me tasks to complete. Successfully achieving these mini-missions would make him happy, apparently, while failing to complete them in time would make him sad. Violently sad.
It began simply enough with a request for some sticks. Easy-peasy. When I handed over the bundle, my friend rewarded me with a little care package of pumpkin pies. How sweet! Then, as night began to draw in and hostile mobs began to edge ever closer to my half-finished shelter, my new friend raised his robotic fists and started pummelling creepers and zombies and skeletons. This is going to be great, I thought, like an idiot.
My first taste of failure was when my friend - who up to this point had been quite reasonable - suddenly asked me for a dragon egg. I calmly explained that I wasn't likely to stumble across one in the next 90 seconds, but he just kept staring at me expectantly.
If this is what it's like to have friends, you can count me out
This egg misunderstanding was followed by a series of other demands - for cake, for cobblestone, for me to literally dance for his amusement - that I failed to complete before the timer ran out. Sometimes, he'd look sad. Sometimes, he'd malfunction. And eventually, he started to… change.
I'm not sure I want to be friends anymore. Somebody help me put him back in the box.
Rating: 10 dragon eggs, brought to me on a velvet cushion NOW.
Creepy Plushies
We all have nightmares sometimes. Mine are pretty run of the mill: I'm being chased by an unseen pursuer, I'm sitting an exam I haven't prepared for, and a grizzly bear with the head of a close family member is berating me about my life choices. You know, just standard dream stuff that doesn't merit any closer examination at all.
In Creepy Plushies by Lofi Girl, a trio of once-cuddly toys have been twisted into frightening new forms by the awesome power of their owner's nightmares. In an astonishing dereliction of stuffed toy duty, the person involved is nowhere to be found, leaving me to clean up their mess. Typical.
I don't have to wait long before catching a glimpse of the first plushie. As I'm excavating a hunk of copper, I see a curious blue face peeking around a corner in the stone. I stop to look, but a second later they've disappeared. This is my first encounter with Mochi. It's not the last.
As the days go by, Mochi seems to be always lurking, always watching. In search of answers, I descend into one of the Dream Dungeons, where I hunt for pages from the owner's journal while wailing at every unexpected rustle and creak.
Believe it or not, Mochi here is the cutest of the three plushies.
It's here, hundreds of metres below ground, in the lurid confines of the Dream Dungeon, that Mochi finally steps out into the open, their teeth bared and their arms outstretched. I sprint and scramble and climb my way out, only stopping to catch my breath when I'm certain Mochi has given up the chase.
And that's when I meet the second plushie, and things get really bad.
Rating: 1000 cuddly, fuzzy fibers that are all unpleasantly matted together.
So, there you have it, my dear guest. I, Count James-ula, have given you a devilish rundown of seven of Minecraft Marketplace's most spooktacular offerings.
And if at any point in my description of these wares you thought that I seemed frightened or unnerved or that I was sweating quite a lot, rest assured that it was only a little act I put on for your benefit.
Now what's that? You have a request for me? Well of course I will listen to what you ask -
No, I'm not going to dunk the basketball. Stop asking. My doctor said I shouldn't do it right now. Don't bring it up again, okay.
